Signs that You Need to Meet a Marriage Counsellor

By Prapoorna M

Last Updated: November 27, 2021

Every person gets into a dreamy sequence of some typical filmy-type illusion about the marital life while getting married. Only after a few years, we understand that life is not just a fairy tale or some Yash chopra’s beautiful love story. Marriage is like something that needs to be worked on, at least periodically. Being a couple, the days after marriage would be so new that you try to learn new things and adjust to everything, showing ardent love towards each other. You would plan everything and try to be the best and to impress each other.

But as days pass by, some undetectable snags could creep into your relationships in the form of unavoidable daily chores, work pressures, issues with close relatives like in-laws, increased screen timings, financial hurdles etc. leaving your inner being so lonely. An astonishing fact is that, studies say that the relationship of one in every four couples is in the same crisis!!!

Couple holding hands
Couple holding hands

What Happens Usually?

It is a common scenario that the initial days of marriage are so exciting that we tend to allot a lot of time to each other, prioritizing the warm new intimacy. Later on, when there comes a number of issues into the picture, like career growth, job demands, increasing financial requirements which could after a couple of years be followed by children and their requirements, priorities do change. It’s inevitable for us to put them before our comfort. But, what about us? Are we slowing down to fulfill our personal needs after accomplishing the ones on the top list? In that case, the neglected ones would occupy the top place and wash off our peace of mind.

How does that happen?

When you tend to neglect your concerns and wishes for a longer period, they would soon become your needs. Every one of us must give some personal time to our wishes to be fulfilled, if not daily, at least periodically. Having a nice talk with spouse, enjoying healthy sex life, spending some personal time is necessary for every married couple.

When such time is not spent, the mistakes that were once laughed off, could turn into complaints and the soft wishes that once used to be, would turn into harsh criticisms. Nobody does these things intentionally. But, they happen as a result of the fermentation of forbidden desires in the milky ocean of our mind, turning it to be sour. So, be watchful.

Signs that you should see a Marriage Counsellor

Let’s now have a look at the list of things that you might discover between you both. In case, you feel them related, consider it is high time you book an appointment with your marriage counsellor.

  • When you don’t feel that emotional closeness: When you find that the conversations between you both are just superficial. These conversations just touch the topics like the groceries needed, bills to be paid, calls to be attended or just to say that the food is ready.
  • Seeking Help from Others: If you both start seeking emotional support from others rather than you both with each other, or start complaining to others on each other.
  • When you both interfere in another’s activities: When you both feel like interrupting or interfering in other’s activities and want to rule emotionally. For example, “Why aren’t you letting me know your phone’s password? Don’t you love me anymore?”
  • When you both end up in repetitive arguments: There will be repeated instances like two or three in a week where you both end up in yelling, having arguments and high emotional reactions instead of getting to a resolution. You both would be fighting over everything, lacking the core issues in your relationship, and staying struck in superficial arguments.
  • You might not be Willing to: It could happen that you are struck and you don’t know how to break the cycle of such arguments or some gap that occurred between you both because of the previous arguments. You could not be able to come out of it and solve on your own and your spouse doesn’t care, out of that anger.
  • Touch-Me-Not: You or spouse, if behaves in a touch-me-not kind of way. Like, whenever one comes to have a talk or ask for something, the other could be demanding privacy, which could sometimes be not in a right way!! Such undeclared silent wars could lead to disasters.
  • Loss of a Loved One: In case, of any mishap, that made you lose your loved one. For example, if a couple loses their children or drops a pregnancy, there’s a chance that they could blame each other, either openly or in minds, that could bring distance between them.
  • When air gets uncomfortable: When a majority of the time you both spend together is filled with tension, sharp exchange of words, arguments and irritation rather than enjoyment, laughter, fun and frolic.
  • Lack of Intimacy: When you observe no or little physical/sexual intimacy between you both.
  • Unwanted attraction: When you find yourself getting inappropriately attracted towards others like sexually, physically or emotionally, mostly to the opposite gender of the same age group.
  • Breach of trust: When it occurs to any of you or both of you that sometimes you can’t believe each other’s words, if they are being faithful to you. You could feel like checking the activities done by them if done properly or you could feel like spying on them if they have some intimated one other than you.
  • Blatant deceit: If you both or one among you feels that there’s no wrong in deceiving your spouse or lying to him/her. If you feel like hiding the truth or omitting the truth and if there’s lack of openness and honesty between you both.
  • Lack of Feelings: When you don’t hold any feelings, at least like affection and empathy towards each other. For example, having seen him/her breaking a leg, leave you in a quite normal-like feeling just as if it has happened to someone else.
  • Just Roommates: If you both are living just like some roommates but not like soul mates. Meaning, lack of communication, good conversation and intimacy between you both.
  • Financial Infidelity: When you are being financially unfaithful. Which means, when someone is spending a lot of money while the other is on debts, adjusting to meet the ends, it is nearly inhumane. Both should keep discussing monthly budget, bills and debts in order to be financially stable.

If not, it’s also a sign to meet a counselor. Ongoing relationship issues will be there forever like family finances, incompatible sex drives and child rearing issues etc. But both should be on willing to obey the marriage vows, respecting and loving each other. Well, if some damage has already happened, it’s better late than never. Let the bygones be bygones and start putting the things back together. So, for that, you need to identify the damage with the help of an expert. Don’t be haste in taking decisions, to run to a lawyer for divorce.

Things can be repaired and issues can be resolved. If problems arise in marriage, they should consult a counselor before going to lawyer. It is an obvious thing that family members and lawyers take sides where as counselors won’t. Especially, Counselling requires the presence of both the husband and wife, if necessary other family members too.

Is Counselling Effective?

A Marital counselling session
A Marital counselling session

Counselling is much helpful in finding the ways to deal with the problems when seeking suggestions from our trusted friends and family doesn’t seem to be effective. Counselors are the trained trust-worthy professionals. Online counselling therapy is convenient, anonymous and affordable. It’s the need of the hour.

Effectiveness of online counselling therapy depends upon how openly you can discuss your problem, and how clearly you can communicate with the counsellor by practicing the techniques they offer. As you can converse at the ease of being at your comfortable place, it helps you to share your embarrassing secrets in a clear way. As you can go anonymous, getting perfect solutions even for your darkest problems becomes much easier for you.

Should Couples Seek Online Counseling?

Couples generally come to counselling when they realize that their relationship is in some kind of trouble. Sometimes the problem is so significant, or has been left unattended for so long, that the relationship is already in severe crisis. At other times, the couple could become aware at an earlier stage that they are not being able to resolve their problems on their own, and that they need the help of a relationship counsellor before their relationship hits crisis point and heads to dissolution.

Online marriage counselling is highly beneficial when

  • When both the husband and wife are at different locations at the time of counselling and want to participate in the session.
  • When the couple at a far off place want to connect with the counsellor remotely.
  • When the couple doesn’t want to see each other but want to participate in the counselling.
  • If you want to join any other persons from family who needs to be involved, in the session, while them being at a far off distance.

So it’s all about your convenience and comfort. Be open when you really want the best results. Book an appointment, today.