What to do if he doesn’t want to get married?

By Prapoorna M

Last Updated: December 17, 2022

You are in constant dreams about marrying the love of your life, but he doesn’t seem interested. You want to have a wonderful wedding inviting all the guests, relatives, and friends to have a memorable day of life. But doesn’t he show any interest and avoid marriage talks? Are you listening to phrases like, “Do we need marriage to show my love for you?”, “Aren’t we happy like this? Marriage is a stupid idea”, “It is not necessary for us to marry because everyone is doing it”, or “A simple nuptial knot doesn’t define us”? Or maybe he must be avoiding saying that marriage is an expensive idea. Whatever the reason he says, you understand that he is reluctant to marry. But, you need not worry as there are ways to make him understand why it is important for you.

A happy couple in relationship
A happy couple in relationship

Know what’s in there

You need to know what you are dealing with to deal with something. So, know your partner’s thoughts and ideas completely and find the basis of those thoughts. Don’t worry that he might not be in love with you at all, as he avoids the idea of marriage. You can understand that he does love you if he often talks about the future plans of having you in them. He might have reasons to avoid the talk of marriage. List out the reasons he shows and get into his shoes to understand what he meant by that. Know what his inner feelings are.

What if he feels it is a burden?

Does he mean that marriage is an additional effort which brings in more responsibilities that he might not fulfil? It can happen because many feel that everything changes after marriage, and girls don’t see the man as they see him. People believe that being a husband is more responsible rather than being a boyfriend.

What can you do?

Well, as you understand that he fears responsibilities. Make him understand that you are also equally responsible for being a wife. Make a note of all the responsibilities of a man and his wife. Compare them with the responsibilities that you both have now been partners. Explain why you want a family and how you can be a good wife sharing your part of the responsibilities dutifully.

Is he afraid that he can’t have personal time?

Do you think he is afraid of losing his time, like playing cricket or football during weekends, going to movies with friends, or maybe having a long trip with his buddies now and then?

What can you do?

You can explain to him that you will take care of providing his time, except for small changes. Figure out a plan that is good for you both. Recently, we have heard in the news how a man’s friends asked for a written acceptance from his bride to allow for weekend games. Well, that’s a great idea too. You need not worry as if you are sacrificing. Because if he can have his time, you too can! You would also get time to meet your college friends or pick your favourite hobby.

Is he worried about children and finances?

Till now, it is only you both, and you have managed well with two full-time incomes coming in. If married, he might be worried that you both would have children and then, being a mother, you would take a gap from your job. Most women leave their jobs and take care of the children until they are in secondary school, at least. Then, it is common that he will be the family’s only breadwinner. For men, this is a major shift of responsibility.

Young parents with their son
Young parents with their son

What can you do?

You can plan the finances. With good foresight, you can make arrangements to meet such a crisis. You may plan your career also accordingly so as not to feel overburdened. Taking care of the little one is important, being a mother. But, without any other work, there are chances of having post-partum depression. Hence, it is good for you, too, to be engaged. Speak to a family member who can support you in this regard.

Is he afraid of ending up in divorce or separation?

If your man is already divorced or has a history of divorced parents, it is common for him to feel this way. If he is already divorced, he might think that if you are his wife, you would also be like his previous wife, and you both would end up in divorce. If he usually blames her for the divorce, it is common to think like that.
Also, if he had a painful childhood with divorced parents, he would feel alone. He would never want to get married or have children for life.

What can you do?

You must understand that divorce never happens because of a single person unless they are severely mentally ill. His first wife might have been good, but due to the mishandling of the situations between them or probably some other reasons, their relationship ended up in divorce. Or, if it is his parents’ divorce, they might have their reasons, and he has nothing to do with it.
For any of such cases, it is good to give him some time and make him slowly understand that you are very cooperative and understanding. He should know that your relationship can never be compared with those who got divorced, as you are different and capable.

Does he think that marriage is out of fashion?

You might get an entirely different and trendy problem if he thinks that “living in relationships” is the trend but not marriage! There can be such ideas where your boyfriend always loves to follow the trend.

What can you do?

Try to explain that everything doesn’t have to be trendy, and trends do change. Tell him how couples grow old together. At the same time, check if he is really into you. Ask him if he is considering growing old with you or not. Explain to him why marriage means so much to you and you don’t want to give it up. Make him understand that you are worth a lifelong promise!

Most importantly, you should never blackmail or persuade anyone to get married. If you feel like you can’t convince him, the marriage will be ill-fated. You must understand that many happy relationships last into old age, even without a prior marriage. So, think openly and communicate effectively for a happy long-term relationship.
It is necessary for a couple to discuss the issues between them. If they cannot sort it out on their own, it is healthy to take the advice of a professional. A relationship counsellor can help you to get through such tough situations. If you are worried whether how it would be if you two could marry and what difficulties might arise that you both should be ready to solve, you can opt for pre-marital counselling. Pre-marital counselling helps you understand each other’s love language and communicate well.