Steps to Find the Right Spouse | How do You Find the Right Husband or Wife?

By Prapoorna M

Last Updated: November 27, 2021

Marriage is the new beginning. It is the bonding made with that special someone for journeying through the life, with love, trust and understanding. A great marriage doesn’t happen because of the love you had in the beginning, but depends on how well you continue building that love until the end of your life. You both should be willing to build a nest of memories, forgiving mistakes and never giving up on each other, holding hand in hand and being together for the rest of the life. But, how do you find your partner for journeying through such a beautiful life? How can you know whether he/she is that special someone?

Couple holding hands together
Couple holding hands together

What you should do?

It is a common scenario that someone who’s yet to have a life partner is worried about how to choose a partner. Following these simple steps could ease your job and make you ready for marriage.

Love yourself

Yes. In order to have a sound thinking and to judge aptly, regarding the decisions to be made in life, one should have love for themselves to the core. Know and accept what you are and what you like. Though you have someone in your life or not, you should be always there with you. Your potential spouse should come into your life to make it complete but not just to bring happiness as if it was never there.

Read more on How to boost your self-esteem after a breakup?

Set your priorities

Be yourself and learn your priorities in life. Understand how you like your life to be, like having a simple family with kids and loving husband or want a man to be with and journey through the world, or want to be there in a joint family and have love of all the relatives which you are yearning for, or if you just want to be nomad. Find out if the person is of your kind, of your religion or community so that you have basic things in common to live peacefully with. Know about the family values, personality, attitude towards relationships, social bearing, similar interests etc.

Understanding Love Languages

Understanding Love Languages: The Key to Enhancing Relationship Satisfaction

In the journey of finding and nurturing a life-long partnership, understanding the concept of love languages plays a pivotal role. Dr. Gary Chapman’s theory of the Five Love Languages has revolutionized the way we perceive and express love in relationships. These love languages are Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.

Why Understanding Love Languages Matters

Discovering your own love language, as well as your potential partner’s, can greatly enhance the quality of your relationship. It’s about knowing what makes your partner feel loved and appreciated and expressing your love in a way that resonates with them. For instance, if your partner’s love language is Quality Time, they may feel most loved when you spend uninterrupted time together, engaging in meaningful conversations or shared activities.

Conversely, someone whose love language is Words of Affirmation might find deep satisfaction in hearing verbal expressions of love, appreciation, and encouragement. By understanding and catering to each other’s love languages, couples can avoid misunderstandings, feel more connected, and strengthen their emotional bond.

Discover more about the Essential factors in relationships

How to Discover and Implement Love Languages

  1. Self-Reflection and Communication: Begin by reflecting on what actions or gestures make you feel most loved and appreciated. Is it when your partner does something helpful for you, spends quality time, gives you a thoughtful gift, touches you affectionately, or praises you? Share these insights with each other.
  2. Observation: Pay attention to how your partner expresses love. Often, people show love in the way they prefer to receive it. Noticing these preferences can provide valuable clues to their primary love language.
  3. Experimentation: Try expressing love in each of the five languages and observe how your partner responds. This can be a fun and enlightening process, helping you pinpoint their love language.
  4. Adjustment: Once you’ve identified each other’s love languages, make a conscious effort to show love in ways that resonate with your partner. Remember, it’s not about grand gestures but the thoughtfulness and intention behind your actions.

Integrating Love Languages into Your Wellness Journey

At Wellness Hub, we believe in a holistic approach to well-being, encompassing physical, mental, and emotional health. Understanding and applying the concept of love languages can significantly contribute to your emotional and relational wellness. By fostering deeper connections and enhancing relationship satisfaction, you’re not just building a romantic partnership but also supporting your overall well-being.

Work on Your Requirements

Work out on your requirements, like if you want to marry an athlete, be in a good shape or if you want to marry a well educated person, complete your post graduation first. If you want to marry a wealthy man/woman, be on your own and earn some savings, to show you are capable of working hard and can have a career. Have some future goals. At least, nobody likes to marry a parasite.

Learn more Advice for Newlyweds | Tips to a great marriage

See What You Don’t Like

Every person has some strong likes and dislikes. Find out the differences between you both and think if you can accept in spite of those differences. For example, differences in opinions could be like lack of attraction, sensibility, lack of sense of humour, lack of agreement on something that really matters to you, having geographical incompatibility etc. to name a few. If such differences are so huge that you can’t withstand, then it’s probably a no deal.

Meeting Your Needs

It’s a genuine demand that your potential spouse should possess all the qualities that you wish him to have. But just think of that degree of variation that exists. Don’t be too harsh in judging. If some of those needs are not met and if they are not on the top of your priority list, it can still be good to consider. If you are unable to do so, just think if you are being too picky or choosy. If you are sure that the person won’t meet your needs at all, then it’s okay to say a no. If he doesn’t even compromise, but tries to compel you to like what he likes, just end the meeting then and there itself. You should strike a balance between choosing a partner that really makes you happy without sacrificing the things that really matter to you.

Explore more on our article Marriage Counselling: When should you consider it? Everything you need to know

Ask Your Friends

There could be friends, cousins, or family members who are very much attached and acquainted with you and know very well about you. You can take advice from them and consider their opinions too. If they have objections to superficial things like looks or career, that’s okay. But if they point out something that relates to his character or attitude, heed them and confirm that. Then decide what to do.

Check for Compatibility

Make sure you both are compatible with each other. It’s not about sexual attraction, it’s different. Make sure there’s one thing that you can bond with your potential other. It could be like both of you already have children, both are religious or both love camping, etc. which means similar beliefs could unite you and make you both value family. You both should share the same future goals like traveling, saving money, owning a house and having a number of kids, etc.
Make sure you have some basic things in common. Like if you want to have kids and he doesn’t, it might not work. Interests in spirituality and politics could also intensify while we age. See if you both share at least some the common interests. Having a person exactly like you could also be boring. So, having enough differences between you both helps in relationships.

Family Dynamics and Background

Navigating Family Dynamics and Background in Relationships

When embarking on the journey of finding a lifelong partner, the influence of family dynamics and background cannot be overlooked. The values instilled by our families, the dynamics we grew up with, and the relationships within our family units often shape our approach to our own relationships. Understanding and navigating these aspects can play a crucial role in building a harmonious life together with your partner.

Know more about The secret to a good marriage | Marriage tips for a long-lasting bond

The Role of Family in Shaping Relationships

Each family has its unique set of traditions, values, and ways of interacting with one another. These elements contribute significantly to our personal development and how we perceive relationships. For instance, the level of openness, communication styles, and conflict resolution methods learned in your family of origin can influence your expectations and behavior in a romantic relationship.

Why Understanding Each Other’s Family Background Is Important

Taking the time to understand your partner’s family background and sharing yours can provide valuable insights into each other’s character, values, and expectations. It can also highlight potential areas of compatibility or conflict that may arise from differing family cultures. For instance, if one partner comes from a very close-knit family that values frequent gatherings and the other values independence with less frequent family interactions, finding a balance that respects both preferences is crucial.

Discussing and Respecting Family Values and Dynamics

Open discussions about your family values, traditions, and dynamics are essential. It’s not about changing one another to fit into an ideal mold but about understanding and respecting where each person comes from. This understanding can pave the way for creating a shared set of values and traditions for your future family.

Read more on our article How Do You Discuss Finances With Your Spouse or Partner?

Practical Steps to Integrate Family Dynamics into Your Relationship:

Share Family Histories: Spend time sharing stories and experiences from your upbringing. This can help build empathy and understanding.

Discuss Family Expectations: Talk about the role you see your families playing in your life together, including how you will manage visits, holidays, and any traditions you wish to continue or start.

Navigate Differences Together: When differences in family dynamics and expectations arise, view them as opportunities to strengthen your relationship through compromise and mutual respect.

Create Your Own Family Identity: While respecting your backgrounds, work together to create a unique family identity that blends aspects of both of your histories and values.

Balancing Personal Needs with Your Partner’s

Your NeedsPartner’s NeedsMutual Solutions/Compromises
Emotional SupportQuality TimeScheduled date nights, shared activities
IndependenceEngagement in Family ActivitiesBalancing solo and family time
Career AmbitionsHome StabilityDiscussing future plans, supporting transitions
Financial SecurityAdventure/TravelBudgeting for savings and vacations
Physical AffectionWords of AffirmationExpressing love in both ways
Personal SpaceDeep ConversationsSetting aside time for both quiet solitude and deep talks
Shared Interests and HobbiesDiverse Social CirclesParticipating in shared activities, respecting individual friendships

Also read: How Should the Relationship between Mother-In-Law and Daughter-In-Law be?

Understand Each Other Well

Understand each other and give your relationship enough time to know if those feelings are based on just attraction. Check for his/her emotional availability, relationship status with friends and family, if he/she is more like a social butterfly so on. Beware of people who hurry for marriage. It’s better to get to know each other for at least six months before getting engaged. This is a decision for a life time and hence is worth your time.
Don’t marry because your parents want you to or because all your friends are engaged or just for the sake of having some partner in life. It’s your life and you should feel responsible for inviting someone into it. Make sure it’s mutual. You both should feel for each other.

Learn more How to Say NO to Your Wife | Negating My Wife

Mr/Ms Perfect

There are no perfect people in this imperfect world. Come into reality if you are having any such notions. Even you are not perfect in someone’s view. It just depends on how we see. In fact, marriage is something which bonds two imperfect people to make the relationship perfect. It is actually the similarities and a few differences that make people feel related. Just look out for the similar opinions to see if you can both make a perfect pair.
Also, make sure you can be yourself, even after marriage. Your potential spouse should never try to change you into some ideal one. Nobody should treat us in a way that damages our self-respect. But of course, making others understand of their faults without hurting each other is an art and if he/she is good at it, you are the luckiest. Know your mistakes and grow together. One should be responsible enough to act when things go wrong. In relationships, you should always be ready to repair things rather than to replace. Be ready for the reality that people do change along with time and that’s common for everyone.

A couple on their wedding day
A couple on their wedding day

If you are trying to consider a person as your potential spouse, just picture your life with him/her. You should just feel blissful to have him/her in your life. Once you take the marriage vows, you should be ready for the rest of your life, but not just for some while. So, before going ahead, think of every hint of feeling you have while trying to know about each other. Let not the magic of hormones snag your emotional intelligence. Think better and make wise decisions.

Discover more on Relationship tips: Are you wasting your time with the wrong person?

Warnings that You Shouldn’t Ignore

Here are some warning signs that you be aware of before taking a forward step.

  • Never ignore you guts. They somehow hint you when something is not just right.
  • Try to spend enough time with the person before you get engaged. A simple 8-10 hour drive could tell you many things.
  • People tend to behave politely and seem to be well-mannered during formal meetings like while going for a marriage proposal. You never know until you see them casually.
  • Check if the person is having bad habits. If you want them in spite of those habits, think again.

Red Flags vs. Green Lights in Relationships

AspectRed FlagsGreen Lights
CommunicationAvoidance of discussion, dishonesty, disrespectOpen, honest, respectful dialogue
RespectDismissiveness, belittling, controlMutual respect, consideration, and support
ValuesSignificant mismatches in core beliefsAligned or complementary values and ethics
InterestsNo shared interests, disdain for each other’s hobbiesShared activities, respect for individual interests
Life GoalsOpposing future visions, lack of support for goalsShared or supportive life ambitions
Handling ConflictEscalation, avoidance, blameHealthy conflict resolution, willingness to compromise
Family DynamicsDisrespect for family, pressure to change dynamicsRespect for each other’s family, embracing differences

But never fool yourself that they would get rid of those habits in future. Chances are there that symptoms can be worst or more of such habits might add up.
  • Never take anything for granted. Know the complete details if you find anything fishy.
  • Don’t let their beauty fool you. Beauty fades away but the inner person could always be the same, whom you need to understand well.
  • Never be in a hurry for marriage. You might ignore many things and regret later.
  • If you find them abusive, understand that they could be the same even after marriage.
  • If your spouse didn’t finish even a high school, then you can’t bet it to be a good marriage.
  • Never settle for someone because of sympathy that you feel for shortcomings.
  • To put simple, be responsible in each and every detail you choose.

Now, you have got a good idea on how your spouse should be like. Be confident and go ahead. If you are having someone in mind by now and are worried if he/she is a perfect match for you, go for a compatibility check. Having a word with an expert on pre-marital counselling would also help you. Book an appointment, today.

Know more about 5 Signs that your marriage is falling apart


Finding the right spouse is an intricate journey of love, growth, and mutual understanding, encompassing much more than just an initial connection. Through understanding oneself, recognizing the importance of love languages, and appreciating the influence of family dynamics, we pave the way towards a deeper connection and a fulfilling partnership. It’s essential to remember that perfection is an illusion; real beauty in a relationship lies in its imperfections, differences, and the collective willingness to evolve together. Built on mutual respect, shared values, and relentless effort, love transforms into a dynamic journey that flourishes over time.

At Wellness Hub, we stand by your side as you navigate this path, offering support in self-discovery, pre-marital counseling, and emotional well-being enhancement. The ideal partner not only complements you but also champions your dreams, offers strength in adversity, and shares in your joy. By embracing these principles and maintaining open, honest communication, you’re not just seeking a spouse but also embarking on a voyage of personal growth. As you step forward, let kindness, patience, and love be your guides towards the ultimate reward—a life shared with your best friend, facing the world together, hand in hand.

Frequently Asked Questions:

1. How to find the right spouse?

Finding the right spouse is a personal journey, but there are steps you can take to increase your chances of success. This article outlines key points like self-reflection, identifying your needs and priorities, understanding love languages, and ensuring compatibility.

2. What are the qualities of a good spouse?

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but good spouses typically share similar values, respect each other, and possess emotional intelligence. Open communication, honesty, and a willingness to compromise are crucial.

3. How long should you date before getting married?

There’s no set timeframe, but experts recommend at least 6 months to a year to truly know someone. Consider spending time in different settings and observe their behavior in various situations.

4. What are red flags to watch out for in a potential spouse?

Ignoring your gut feeling, rushing into marriage, overlooking bad habits, and abusive behavior are all warning signs. Pay attention to inconsistencies and be wary of facades presented during formal interactions.

5. What are the benefits of pre-marital counseling?

Counseling can help identify potential compatibility issues, improve communication skills, and set realistic expectations for marriage. It can also equip you with tools to navigate challenges and build a strong foundation for your future together.

Remember: Finding the right spouse takes time, effort, and self-awareness. Prioritize personal growth, embrace authenticity, and don’t settle for anything less than a fulfilling partnership built on mutual respect, love, and shared goals.

Additional Tips:

  • Consider online dating platforms: They can help you connect with like-minded individuals based on shared interests and values.
  • Expand your social circle: Attend events, join clubs, or volunteer in your community to meet new people.
  • Be patient and trust the process: Finding the right person takes time and effort. Don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t happen overnight.

6. What are the biggest mistakes people make when looking for a spouse?

One major mistake is rushing into marriage without properly knowing your partner. Ignoring red flags, settling due to pressure, and overlooking compatibility issues can lead to long-term problems. Another mistake is focusing solely on physical attraction or superficial qualities without considering deeper values and shared goals.

7. How can I deal with differences in my relationship?

Differences, whether in interests, opinions, or backgrounds, are inevitable in any relationship. The key is to approach them with respect, open communication, and a willingness to compromise. Seek common ground, learn to appreciate each other’s perspectives, and remember that differences can add richness and diversity to your partnership.

8. Is it okay to compromise my values for a partner?

Compromise is essential in any relationship, but it shouldn’t mean sacrificing your core values. If your partner consistently asks you to compromise on things that are deeply important to you, it’s a sign of potential incompatibility. Prioritize your values and seek someone who aligns with them, even if it means waiting longer to find the right person.

9. How can I tell if someone is just pretending to be someone they’re not?

Pay attention to their actions, not just their words. Do their actions match their claims? Observe their behavior in different situations and with different people. Be wary of inconsistencies, sudden changes in personality, and excessive need for control. Trust your gut and don’t ignore red flags, even if they seem subtle.

10. What should I do if I’m unsure about getting married?

Marriage is a significant commitment, so taking your time and addressing any doubts is crucial. Seek guidance from a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. Reflect on your own needs and goals, discuss your concerns with your partner openly and honestly, and don’t feel pressured to rush into something you’re not fully prepared for. Remember, taking a step back and gaining clarity is always better than diving into a decision you might regret later.

About the Author:

Prapoorna Mangalampalli

M.Sc., M.A., (Dual Masters in Psychology & English) – Counselor (6+ years of experience)

Prapoorna armed with a passionate dedication fueled by dual Master’s degrees in Psychology and English, Prapoorna sheds light on and elevates human experiences. Over 6+ years of experience fuel her insightful approach to counseling, offering profound empathy and guidance across diverse areas like online, marital, relationship, child, family, and career counseling.

At Wellness Hub, she thrives in a team environment that values innovation, compassion, and achieving results for their clients.

Connect with Prapoorna to learn how she can help you or your loved one find their voice and build a brighter future.

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