How to Say NO to Marital Sex? | How to Reject a Love-making Proposal Without Hurting?

By Prapoorna M

Last Updated: November 27, 2021

Sex is the most common physical need to be fulfilled and the driving desire to be quenched. Sex involves a mutual coordination for it to happen in a memorable way. There occur times in our life when we want to or maybe need to reject that love-making proposal from the spouse. Though you don’t want to sound rude, it might hurt him/her. Sometimes, you just don’t have the patience to convey it better and you could blurt out.

Well, this article provides you with some really good tips to communicate well with your partner on saying No to marital sex without hurting your spouse. Read to also know when you can reject that sexual proposal.

Pleasure or Pressure?

Well, it is widely said that, “A No means a No” which doesn’t seem to be acceptable to many, as there are many instances when we reject something while still thinking about it. In case, you feel like you’re expecting them to turn you on, let’s save that topic for later. But if you’re not at all interested in making out and want to convey it smoothly, just say it because pressurizing someone to have sex is never okay.

Be clear in your statement that you are not in interested in the act right now, but not in the person. If you don’t want to have, let your partner know it. It’s never good to remain silent. Non-consensual sex is an offence. Forcing sex, even after marriage, without his/her consent accounts to marital rape.

Couple having intimate moments
Couple having intimate moments

Saying a ‘NO’

When your spouse is too emotional, too dramatic, and needs too much of your attention, then you need to set strict limits. When you say “no, thank you”, you should sound polite, yet firm. Say that without any expressions like disgust, anger or frustration. Keep it as simple as possible. Many of us have the notion that saying a No could hurt the relationship. Remember that saying yes or no won’t cause any harm to the relationship. Most importantly, if you get a negative response from your spouse, accept it and don’t push or humiliate him/her. But, when the act of saying no or yes is repetitive for a longer period, then it could really have some effect on the relationship.

Not having sex in marital life, for a longer period is actually not good for your relationship. Having good sexual intimacy, lessens many problems . This is the time that you both have to build your relationship stronger. So, if you don’t feel like having sex, you could at least cuddle up, kiss and have intimate conversations or watch a movie together.

How to Say it?

Mention it clearly but looking straight into the eyes and in a clear tone. Don’t humiliate the person, also, don’t feel ashamed to express. Make sure that you say how much you love them but not in a mood for it. Well, the most common excuses like “I don’t feel well” or “I’m tired” might not work if you have used many times. If it is your partner who initiates all the time, in that case, it hurts though you reject only less number of times. Instead, if you also initiate as equally as your partner does, it is understood positively, without getting hurt, even though you do reject sometimes. So, never leave all the responsibility on your partner, everyday.

It is much better to offer your partner another date and time that you would like to have, rather than rejecting straight away. This saves them from the fear of approaching again and getting rejecting. After you reject, if you want to make your spouse comfortable and understanding, you can invite your partner on a sex-date on a planned date and time, when it is convenient to both of you. In the end, don’t forget to put a response question like, “what do you think?” or “It’s a great idea, right?”

Is your partner addicted to porn”?

In case, your partner watches porn to get aroused and wants to have sex to let that out, it’s better to say a No. If you encourage your partner to have sex, after watching porn, you are cementing that addiction which could lead to erectile dysfunction in the long run. Ask him to sort it out as real sex doesn’t arouse him, after addiction. This is the same in the case of women too. If the brain gets addicted to porn, it’s hard to get that arousal and climaxes normally.

In case, your spouse pressures you or belittles you when you don’t do something that you find objectionable, you can clearly say a No to sex, because, that’s humiliating and a form of marital rape. For example, if a husband suddenly uses some sex toy in the middle of the act, without any warning, that is a wrong thing to do.

Feeling Bad?

Many of us have that upset feel lingering in mind when we reject our partner. But it is common that we get tired or don’t feel like. Understand that there is no need to feel guilty about expressing your thoughts as they are. In fact, when rejection is continued by anticipation, even rejection could feel sweet.

We could be having random thoughts on saying a “No” like

  • Disappointing the spouse
  • Hurting their feelings
  • Fear of harming our relationships
  • Feeling guilty of turning them down
  • Having random negative thoughts
  • Fear of spouse-cheating
  • Comparing our sexual frequency with others
  • Unable to meet the sexual desires of the partners

All these fears are common, but having a dialogue with each other is really important. Both of you should know about the preferences and likeness of your partners. So that though you reject and they get hurt, you will know how to get back to him/her and make things fall in place.

Understand Each other

Everyone wants to and needs to feel desired. To have a pleasurable sexual experience, both the partners should be comfortable with each other. If one of the partners is not comfortable, then there is a need to express the pending desires and lack of satisfaction in a clear way to the partner and such a communication should be as smooth as possible without any emotional outbursts or dissonance.

Be confident and understand what you want before going for sex, like the need for arousal to make the body ready or maybe that you need rest or mood is not yet set for that. Most people have their sexual fetishes when it comes to arousal. Such things have to be discussed in advance to avoid any mismatch. One should remember the need of women’s sexual desires and pleasures too. It is enjoyable only when
both the partners desire for it.

If one person is doing all the giving and the other person is receiving it all the time, that’s not a mutual sex experience. It’s just one-sided experience.

Know what you want and how you feel to create a mutually satisfying relationship. Sometimes fulfilling your spouse’s fetish desires could also satisfy them, in case you are not interested in sex but want to satisfy them. Also, when you feel you are being taken for granted in your relationship, just back off a little without any kind of drama. Your partner will sense it and move towards you. Balance in relationships is often obtained by doing so.

Is your relationship getting toxic?

Couple bored with each other at bed
Couple bored with each other at bed

In case, it turns out that you both started to have an argument, ask about something that your partner said before and let your partner speak about it and listen patiently. You will get more information to work on. You will understand that there’s so much to talk about. Find a suitable time and environment and talk with a cool mind. In case, things are not working well or if something doesn’t seem right, never hesitate to seek the help of a psychologist to get a couple counseling therapy.

There are some conditions when you need to have patience. For example, when a woman is pregnant or under some medical conditions, the husband should understand and cooperate. In the same way, when the husband is having medical or psychological issues, the wife should support. Humiliating each other or searching for pleasures out of marriage is always a threat to your marital relationships. Remember, once the trust is lost, it is hardly gained. If your partner threatens you to leave the relationship or if they try to seek pleasure outside of marriage, then you are in an unhealthy relationship and you need to work on it to repair it.