Do you ever feel alone in spite of having a good friend whom you have been giving a lot of time? Maybe you ended up thinking your friend might be too busy to lend an ear, and tried to engross in other activities while that lone feel is still bothering you. And, you would definitely be surprised to see your friend calling only to say how bad her day was, though it didn’t sound as bad as yours. Wait, did you hear her asking, “How are you doing?” and waiting to hear from you?
Friends need not be numerous, but having a quality friend for life is important. Friendship is cherished only when both of you are involved. Yes!! It’s a two-way bridge, but not a one-way communication technique.
How are you being?
Try to understand how you are being when you are with your friend. Such friends can be spotted with the below hints.
Give and Take
You might have helped your friend to run an errand last week, and maybe another help the previous week. You both might have hanged out at her place. Well, did you ever notice she coming out to help you, applied a leave to hang out with you, went to some distance just for you? To put simple, did she/he ever come out of that comfort zone, to stretch a leg for you?
Well, it’s a good thing to offer help to your beloved friend. But kindness and fulfilling the expectations in friendship should be like pleasures to cherish but not like burdens to get rid of. Just think if this is going too much on your head. Are you being in a state of “Ever offering” or “I am ready to help you, anytime” putting you in the second place, ever?
A good friend should always be there when need arises. If not physically or financially, he/she should always be ready to help psychologically. Lending an ear and a sympathetic shoulder are the minimum expectations from a friend. For venting out that frustration on your boss, to express the amount of anger you had on your Ex or even for sharing the feelings you had for your lost family member, the best friend should be there for everything. Be glad when you are being such a friend. But think if you are getting the same from your friend, as often as you are giving? Is she/he being there when the need to talk arises? Or are they being there only when it’s being comfortable for them? Are they coming to you only to ask you something, or are they offering it too?
Is your friend coming up with petty excuses when you are in need of some help? Aren’t you sensing any empathy towards your issues? Or is it only being like, “Oh poor thing, wouldn’t I rush to you, if I could really help?” or “I wish I could be there to help but I have to go to the movie tonight, it’s already booked”. Understand if the needs are being attended rather than the pleasures. Try to analyze their priorities.
Are you being constantly blamed like, “You are not the same. You don’t love me anymore. You don’t care for me. I’m nothing to you. Blah blah..” and, wondering what mistake you could have done? Relax; it’s their way of blame gaming. It’s their drama to make you feel guilty in order to make you more obedient than ever. Oh, did I just say, obedient? But, does it match with a friend?
Such friends always feel that there occurred some loss to them. They are also prone to spread rumors; never feel bad if you were bait; it’s natural to them. They tend to think mostly about themselves. Such people are emotionally draining.
You ask them to be there by tomorrow evening for some important work. Your friend said, “Sure, You have my word, dear”. But, never turns up. Wait; understand the reason behind their absence. Was it genuine and really worth it? Please observe that such people break promises not because they forget or for any common reasons, they do as they don’t value the word. Now just don’t try doing the same with them, you never know how harsh those words could be!!
Did you ever felt a wave of positivity while being with them? Did you feel the virtues in you and like improving them to be a better person? How many positive thoughts, ideas or habits did you develop after starting this friendship? Be aware. Such people tend to spread negativity. They love gossiping and complaining about the people around. No wonder, it has some influence on you, how hard you resist. When you are feeling suffocated and unable to be the best of yourself, it’s time to think if you are being under some influence.
This is another art they possess. You will never be able to understand what they lack to feel jealousy about. Don’t worry, it’s just them. Try to understand if he/she is feeling jealous of you as you are made to do all the required chores but not being treated as a good friend. The thought of making someone to be their pet or a maid, gives them a feeling of supremacy over others.
Is it really YOU?
Whenever you felt concerned about you or express something relevant to you, a fight eventually beings over a petty issue and you will be blamed with all the past mistakes. It’s then you should think if it is really you who did the mistake or some irrelevant topic is being highlighted to mask over something. Remember, blame game?
They can be often the “I-know-it-all” type. Of course, you have a walking encyclopedia in front of you!! You say, “Hey, You know what? That movie we watched together, has won an Oscar!!” Your friend could be like, “Ah! Old news!! I knew it will, on the day I watched” Uff, really? This way of domination in every word you say or every topic you discuss is really a buzzkill. Anyone would eventually lose interest in such communication.
What’s Your Value?
Well, it is your friend who asked you to accompany her to go for a haircut, manicure or facial. And, you are cleaning up your stuff or preparing for a presentation. How would she react when you say that you are not available to come? Are you hesitating to say that imagining how she would yell or complain or maybe does some emotional blackmailing? Come on, you can’t be available 24/7. You have some things to do in your life too. After all, it’s your life and it is important too.
Hope you got an idea on how your life is going on with your friend beside you. Understand the emotional, physical and psychological impact your friend has on you. Analyze if they are all being positive. Try to get it if you are really being treated as a friend or just a hand tool.
The sight of your friend could make you feeling a dread in the pit of your stomach that you should be alert now, but not the kind of happiness that friends share. You could be riding an emotional roller coaster. Though you drag yourself to the chair to sit with your friend, you start being very careful in your words as it is easy to get into trouble. It feels like walking on egg shells.
Are those remarks made by your friend are making you anxious and nervous? Are you brooding over reforming yourself since many days as you are categorized as stupid/silly by your friend? Does her/his presence keep you alert all the time? Do you feel suffocated to say “oh, that’s my bestie?”
Well, here’s a simple test for you.
A Simple Test
Ask yourself the below questions to know what your friendship is like
- Does it feel happy and energetic and positive after you speak with your friend?
- Imagine your future and accomplishing your goals, with this friend beside you. Do you think it is possible?
- Are you being your best-self while being with this friend? (like happiest and kindest with self-confidence)
- From the day your friendship started to the date, did you feel any positive change or at least a sort of happiness that you have one true friend?
If you have a NO for these answers, please understand that you are getting nothing out of this friendship but are being taken for granted. It is not easy to come to a decision sometimes when you are unable to judge the things happened. Know if your friendship has become toxic for you. Seeking the help of a professional could save you in this matter. Book an appointment, today.