Relationships are based on trust. As trust is the foundation for any relationship, regaining the lost trust is challenging. If the trust is shattered, it is evident for anyone to feel the ground shaken. Whether it is infidelity between a couple, cheating in friendship, and backstabbing in business or brotherhood, when trust is broken, the relationship almost collapses. A couple’s relationship is the essential basis of personal life. If personal life is excellent, a person can manage other things well. But if the trust is broken in a relationship, there won’t be peace in anything the person does. The blow will be huge when there are issues related to infidelity. Breaking trust affects both; the one who cheated and the other who was cheated. But, for someone to regain the lost trust in a relationship, it takes much effort.
Are you the one who cheated?
Everybody thinks it is easy to cheat a person and go without feeling anything. But you are also the sufferer who has gone through a lot before coming there. It could be a fling or a small air window you found during suffocation. You did it. Now, you cannot go back and change it. But as you want to patch up with your partner, build trust and repair the ruptured relationship, you need to work on that.
What to do?
Now that the reality is upfront, you need to have patience and understand what your partner must be going through and how they react. Depending on their personality, there can be shouts, cries, abusive behavior, or even utter silence. In this stage, you need to keep a few things in mind.
Unfortunately, you can’t go into the past and change the relationship structure. But once you have betrayed or violated your partner’s trust, it is still possible, although difficult, to turn the tide. The main thing is to approach the issue as gently and accurately as possible.
As the truth got revealed, face it. Don’t try to hide things now. If you are feeling bad, feel it and lessen the pain for the long term. Never lie, even for trifles. Regarding anything, tell them the whole truth. Try to avoid camouflaging things and keeping them illusioned.
When you say, “You need not tell me”, or murmur, “as if you’re an angel”, remember that you are trying to justify yourself. Such actions won’t do any good. This is a normal psychological defence reaction. But playing the role of a defendant or accuser will worsen the situation. Instead, it is good to keep calm and stay calm.
You cannot expect your partner to forgive you immediately out of love and end the matter then and there. When the confession of deceit is made, the most challenging stage begins. It would help if you faced a lot from your partner. If they want to, don’t hesitate to check your private messages, contact list, or posts on social media. Have patience and understand they need time to let the matter sink in. Breaching trust might have harmed their inner self.
The best thing you can do is listen to your partner’s feelings and needs. His pain is very severe that it cannot stop in one moment. This is fine. Talking in the middle to support what you did will be a big blunder. Never do that. Such behavior does not build trust; it does the exact opposite.
End it completely
End the relationship with the third person clearly and openly if this is the cause of mistrust. Doing this person is very important for you to protect your relationship. Cheating is always a choice; you must accept your mistake by answering all your partner’s questions.
Stay by your partner’s side. They need to work out things with you to regain the sense that you are available. Your physical presence can significantly help your partner gain security and begin to believe that you are not going to cheat again. But, this should be done step by step in a gradual way.
Ask your partner what you can do to regain his or her trust again. Convince them that you want the relationship to be the same again and are ready to do anything they tell you. Be open to what you get to listen to. Try to do everything possible to regain the trust of your loved one.
Ask your partner how best to make amends and what to do, so that this situation does not happen again. Such questions will help your partner feel their emotions and needs are respected.
Take responsibility for your actions. Don’t blame others, and do not ignore problems. Face them. Plan and execute together to solve the issues between you both. Take the help of a couples counsellor to get things right.
Tell your partner not to forgive immediately but consider. Try to apologize as openly and as sincerely as possible. It takes time for them to accept your apologies. Don’t give up. Put your best effort into everything you do for your partner and convey that you will be committed. You have to start from scratch to regain lost confidence in your relationship.
Try to continue an open and honest dialogue with your partner. For anything, don’t let a thought of manipulation or camouflage cross your thoughts. If that happens, take responsibility and give clarity. Keep your ego aside and try well to merge things up.
Are you the one who got cheated?
Loss of trust is a real test for a relationship. In this relationship crisis, everything gets affected. It is quite normal for things to get loud and violent. All this feels exhausting. You could have psychosomatic complaints such as sleep disorders, headaches, migraines, abdominal pain, and loss of appetite or cravings for sweets. This is because you would feel an urgent need to pay attention to your energy reserves. It is important to have breaks to get through this crisis and develop trust again.
Simply forgiving cheating without receiving anything in return is extremely difficult. You can wish for something like reparation for the injuries they caused. Kneeling and apologizing can give you satisfaction, but it doesn’t get your relationship anywhere. It might even make you look egoistic. It is better if the reparation does not contain pure punishment but something positive for both of you together. For example, you can ask your partner to give up an activity you love in order to do something together that will bring you closer together.
You can do the following things in order to make yourself ready to accept your partner.
- Try to remember the past scenarios where your partner has stood for you.
- Try to write down what you like about your partner. You may ask him or her to do those activities as daily rituals.
- Agree to a sign regarding physical closeness and take time if you have to.
- Tell your partner how you want them to be. Give points by comparing your ideal partner and guide them if they are sincere.
- Try to plan activities that involve children and spend time willingly by letting out negative thoughts.
- Try to look at life in a bigger size and reduce the size of what has happened.
- Understand that bruises take time to heal.
Many people choose to take some time to themselves first to clear up. But if your goal is to rebuild trust, plan good times together with your partner. Give yourselves quiet times when you don’t discuss the problems but still spend time together.
A Word for you both
If one of you tries to accuse the other and the other defends, then the situation will worsen. The accuser tries to take out their anger and will come up with new tasks and questions for the other. On the other hand, the defender tries to indulge and accumulates anger. This ends up in no good. The decision to stay together after the betrayal, is yours and the responsibility is also yours. That is why you should not involve other people in clarifying the relationship, whether they are friends, relatives, or your children.
This applies to the one who committed the betrayal and the one who decided to find the strength to forgive them. Talks about what happened should be done without outside interference, condemnation, and sympathy. The only one who can be third in such conversations is a family psychologist. Seeking help outside of a relationship is not a weakness. On the contrary, it shows a willingness to work on the union and strengthen it.